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x_staff2004-09-17 12:16 pm
x-psylocke.livejournal.com) wrote in x_staff2004-09-17 12:16 pm
Entry tags:
This Project
It's been exactly a year since everything changed for me. And I'll be honest, six months of cognizant control hasn't been enough time to deal with it all.
I remember when the journal systems were put up as a hope to continue the open flow of communication between staff and students. And back then I remember thinking, "Oh god, what could I possibly say of interest without being called a bore or a knobhead of a teacher?" Funny, how much a person's priorities can deviate in such a short span of time.
I know I still scare some of the children and not in that healthy, authoritarian way.
I live every moment, second-guessing myself, always thinking it would be easier to communicate through the journals than in person. But now, I can't be too sure.
It wouldn't help matters if I slip up and tell the little ones that I still hear Kwannon, whispering to me when my guard is down? Or that somedays, I wonder if it's really me in control. I couldn't even begin to wonder what that'd do to their impression of me.
Perhaps, I should tell them how I feel about the Askani? Or the fact that I'd avoid all of them, if I could, in order to make sure they're safe from me. But, that isn't possible either.
I'm sorry, Professor. But, the more I think about it, the less I want to participate in this joint venture of communication. Not until...I can learn how to move forward again.
I remember when the journal systems were put up as a hope to continue the open flow of communication between staff and students. And back then I remember thinking, "Oh god, what could I possibly say of interest without being called a bore or a knobhead of a teacher?" Funny, how much a person's priorities can deviate in such a short span of time.
I know I still scare some of the children and not in that healthy, authoritarian way.
I live every moment, second-guessing myself, always thinking it would be easier to communicate through the journals than in person. But now, I can't be too sure.
It wouldn't help matters if I slip up and tell the little ones that I still hear Kwannon, whispering to me when my guard is down? Or that somedays, I wonder if it's really me in control. I couldn't even begin to wonder what that'd do to their impression of me.
Perhaps, I should tell them how I feel about the Askani? Or the fact that I'd avoid all of them, if I could, in order to make sure they're safe from me. But, that isn't possible either.
I'm sorry, Professor. But, the more I think about it, the less I want to participate in this joint venture of communication. Not until...I can learn how to move forward again.